Tuesday, November 19, 2013


The other day as I was hating my life, suffocating under the invisible weight of the 8 page paper I had to pump out in one night, I found myself in a quiet little corner of the library. Instead of being a place of fewer distractions however, it proved to not be the best place to focus. Besides the always entertaining pastime of people-watching, I found myself being begged, taunted, and enticed by all the leather spines on the shelves. 

In the grind of school, I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy being a scholar. How much I love the smell of old books, the classical music plugged into my ears, the pen tucked behind my ear, the weight in my arms as they’re laden with more books than I ever intended to pick up. I love the muted silence of the long crowded shelves, a haphazard masterpiece of color and texture and words, yearning to share their piece of the world’s mysteries. 

I love that even in the hushed quiet isolation, you feel connected—connected to a world of other students, of professors, of writers, of historians, of characters, of geniuses, of nobodies, of somebodies, and of tradition where time holds still and you stand united in the pursuit of learning.

What happened to learning for learning’s sake? What happened to opening a book of my choice, on the topic of my choice and just reading to read, to expand my knowledge, to understand something new? When did I allow learning to merely become skimming the surface, cramming knowledge for a test that will soon be forgotten, or biding my time and counting down the days till I’m through?

I want to love learning again. I need to love learning again. I want to LEARN...not just go to school. 

Friday, February 15, 2013

i am a RUNNER

i USED to be a RUNNER...
it's in my blood.
my dad is a marathoner, and my sister has followed in his footsteps with two under her belt and a third not too far away.
i've always dreamed of running those 26.2 miles too. someday.

as a kid, i used to get up at 5 am and go to the BYU indoor track with my dad and brothers. we'd pump out a few miles, run some stairs, and make it back before the sun rose to get ready for school. i loved it.
the other day i found my third grade journal. in nearly every entry i wrote what my mile time was in PE that day. i wrote about what place i took, what boys i was running with. there was a whole page devoted to the day i beat the fastest boy in the grade in sprints. i can still see that moment clear as day in my memory. it was pure victory. and i thrived on it.
i used to spend my springs and summers at the track. either practicing or racing in meets. i used to get butterflies in my stomach anytime i even came near the starting line... whether it was just myself practicing, or being timed in PE, or positioning to hear the gun before an actual race. that line represented a pure adrenaline rush to me.
i lived for it.

but i've lost it.
i've lost my love for running.
and it KILLS me.

because i hate that i don't feel worthy of that title anymore. i hate that my body doesn't show that title anymore. i hate that a worn pair of shoes by the back door doesn't represent that title anymore.

SO.. i have faced this new year DETERMINED to get that love back. and how am i going to do it?
i'm going to hit the pavement and run my guts out until i love it again. 
so i've been on a few runs lately. and i hate it.
i hate that i don't recognize the size and mushiness of my body. i hate that i start breathing way too heavy way too soon. i hate that when i go uphill my legs feel more and more like bricks with each step. i hate that it's hard.. i hate that i'm slow.i hate that i can't go very far. yet. i hate that i have to start at such a low point, a place i've never been before. i hate that i hate running now.

but i also love the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement. i love the way my mind closes out everything except the beat of the music. i love how my stride follows that beat. i love how my legs go numb but they somehow keep moving. i love when i go downhill and it feels like flying. i love the control it takes to not go rolling headfirst down the hill, containing your stride slower than your body wants to go. i love the coaches i can still hear in my head saying "push it, push it, push it." i love the mental battle raging between my body and mind. i love that my body is always stronger than my mind thinks it is. i love how my body is stronger than the pain it feels. i love the soreness and jello legs after a run. i love that at the end of every run, there is always something in me that has to push to the end...go faster, stride bigger, run harder. i love how it comes out of nowhere but is always there despite my body protesting. i love how everything is better after a run. i love how when other parts of my life seem to be out of control, i can always control my run. i love how it is therapeutic. i love that you can always get better. i love how my run is mine, just mine.

 i love running.
i WILL be a runner again.

i AM a runner.   

Monday, February 4, 2013

dear friends

Just thought I'd let you all know :)
Stay Tuned....